Current mood:	Peaceful
Current music:	Panic! At the Disco, I Write Sins, Not Tragedies

If
Title- If
Pairing- Ville Valo/Mige Amour of the band Him
Rating- PG-13
Originally Posted- January 1, 2006
Disclaimer- I don`t know the real people in this story. I don`t own anything besides the idea for this story. None of this happened in real life as far as I know.
Summary- Ville`s insecurities get the best of him, and he can`t help but ask, "What if?"
Written for Prompt 083.If for The Ultimate Fanfic Challenge


The room was completely silent. The only noise was the moving of the two men`s bodies, but it was only a gentle rustling. Occasionally the sound was broken by a noise coming from another room of the hotel, such as toilet flushing or a shower being taken, but now it was completely silent. It was well past midnight, after two, in fact, last time Ville had checked.

The light in the room was dim. The only light they had came from a row of six candles sitting on a table across the room, and a small, dim, lamp. Mige had lit the candles earlier, much earlier. Around midnight. This was supposed to be a romantic evening, but all the two men had done was cling to each other all night long. Which really wasn`t a bad thing, in either one of their opinions, but every time they tried to begin something, they`d get nervous and fall back into the awkward silence.

So they just stayed in each other`s arms. Ville was curled up in Mige`s lap, his arms around his lover, his head rested on his shoulder. Occasionally, Mige would start to kiss Ville, starting on his neck, then his soft, velvety cheeks, then his smooth, warm lips, but that was as far as the two got because Ville would whimper and jerk his head back down, wrapping his arms a little tighter around Mige.

The silence was driving Ville insane. He was just so scared, so scared of being used and hurt again like with everyone else he had been with, scared to accept that this might be it, that this could be true love. All the fear made him angry, mostly with himself so being so fearful, but partly with the others for breaking his heart and making him doubt everyone, even his Mige, whom he loved more than anyone or anything.

Ville knew that he had to do something about this, all of this. This night, which was turning out to be so awkward and forced, and all of this, especially his trust problems, which were undoubtedly wearing on Mige`s patience.

He sat up a little bit more, lifting his head from Mige`s shoulder. Mige, who had been looking off into space, snapped back to attention at Ville`s movement. Their eyes locked, but Ville turned away and began to gently plant kisses on Mige`s neck.

Mige moaned softly at Ville`s kisses, wrapping his arms tighter around him. Ville kissed him a few more times and then pulled away, much to Mige`s disappointment.

“What would you do if I died?” he asked softly, still looking into the other man`s eyes. Mige knew that there was no point in lying or trying to shake off the question. Ville always got what he wanted, and right now, he wanted an answer.

“If you died I would bring you back to life,” Mige said, looking seriously at Ville. It had been the first thing that had come to mind, but after he said it, Mige realized just how true it was. There was no such thing as impossible with Ville. Ville made the impossible quite possible.

Ville`s face showed no expression after Mige answered. He didn`t smile, or frown, or anything.

“What would you do if I quit the band?” Ville asked. He didn`t know why he was asking Mige these questions, and it angered him that he was putting the man he knew he loved on the spot like this.

“I`d support your decision. What makes you happy makes me happy,” Mige answered, gently kissing Ville`s lips. Ville kissed back, gently, slowly, savoring the taste of Mige`s lips on his own.

Ville sighed. He knew there was a question that he could ask that would anger Mige, make him yell and tell him to stop it, stop worrying about getting his heart broken, stop upsetting himself and others over stupid issues, stop driving the band insane when he forced everything and everyone to be perfect, and nothing less than perfect, but Mige was handling every question so well, not showing any signs of annoyance or anger.

Mige was watching Ville, waiting for the next “What if?” question. He didn`t have to wait long, however. Ville once again looked into Mige`s eyes, sure that he had found the question that would make Mige want to stop all of this.

“What would you do if I hurt you?” Ville demanded, angry with himself for doing this to Mige. He knew that it wasn`t fair. He knew that he was being stupid and immature, but he couldn`t help it. He just had to test their relationship in every way he could think of, even if he hated himself for it.

“If you hurt me I`d hurt myself. If you thought I deserved to be in pain, then you must be right. I`d support your decision. I support everything you think and feel and believe, Ville,” Mige said, once again kissing Ville`s lips, but this time, Ville pushed Mige off of him and jumped off the bed, standing there staring at the man he loved so much.

“You`re lying! No one would be stupid enough to hurt themselves just because someone thinks they deserve it!” he yelled, feeling so ashamed that he was doing this. He knew that it was possible to have that much control over someone. People had had that much control over him before, simply because he loved them and were convinced that they felt the same, even when in reality, they didn’t.

“I would Ville. I mean it,” Mige said, begging for the green eyed man to believe him.

“No! Just you! Just you because you`re stupid! I hate you! I hate you Mige, you hear me?” Ville yelled, turning and running out of the room, slamming the door behind him because he couldn`t let Mige know that he was crying, that he never meant one of those words, that saying them was hurting him more than anything, that the pain was unbearable for his poor, patched up heart.

Ville ran down the deserted hotel hallway sobbing, tears streaming down his face as he ran, not knowing where he was going. It was silent except for the gentle humming sound that fills the hallways of most hotel rooms, and of course, his sobs and his footsteps as he ran.

Ville flung open a door at the end of the hallway, running down stairs made of plastic with the little ridges on them that hurt Ville`s bare feet as he ran down them and into the main area of the room, then to the door that led outside.

The ground outside felt damp and cold, as it had rained earlier in the day. It was dark out, except for a few lights shinning dimly in the parking lot, and the light of the moon and stars above him.

If only he hadn`t freaked out on Mige. If only he had just allowed himself to love him, then maybe this wouldn`t always be happening. One of these times, Mige would say that he couldn`t take it anymore and leave him. Even Mige, the most patient man Ville had ever met would have enough at some point.

Still, what if Mige hadn`t been lying? What if...what if Mige was hurting himself now, keeping his promise to Ville? That wasn`t what Ville wanted. All Ville wanted was to be able to trust himself, because he knew it wasn`t Mige he doubted; it was himself.

Ville sighed and turned to go back inside. He had to apologize to Mige and stop him from doing anything self-destructive. If anything happened to him...but Ville couldn`t think about that.

Up the stairs Ville ran, then down the hallway until he was outside his and Mige`s room. He quickly unlocked it with his room key and ran inside, afraid of what he would find Mige doing.

But Mige was just sitting there on the bed, just as he had left him, his head bowed and his hands clasped together. He looked up at Ville as he ran in through the door, but he said nothing.

“Mige! Mige, I`m so sorry, I didn`t mean it, I didn`t mean anything I said, I don`t hate you, I hate myself! Oh god Mige, I`m so fucked up, I`m sorry, please don`t leave me!” Ville sobbed, jumping into Mige`s arms. He expected to be yelled at or told to leave, but instead Mige wrapped his arms protectively around him and rocked him back and forth on his lap.

“Ville, it`s ok, I know. I love you and I know that you didn`t mean it. If I thought you did, I wouldn`t be with you,” he said, kissing Ville`s cheek gently. Ville looked up at him, knowing that there was one last question to be asked.

“Mige? You didn’t...you didn`t hurt yourself, did you? I didn`t mean it when I asked you about that, you know I`d never want you to...you know I don`t want to ever hurt you,” Ville whispered. Mige smiled sadly.

“Yes, Ville. I hurt myself. But not because of what you said,” he said softly. Ville gasped.

“Mige! What did you do?” Ville cried, grabbing Mige`s arm and looking for any sort of marks.

“There`s no mark,” Mige said.

“But then...but-” Ville protested, but Mige stopped him.

“I hurt myself by not going after you. All I wanted was to go after you. You were upset, and I wanted to help you, but I knew it would just upset you more if I went after you. That hurt me, knowing you were hurting and there was nothing I could do. It hurt worse than any mark I could have made on my skin. Because I love you, Ville. I do. I know you doubt me, but I love you. If you could just believe me when I say that, I`d be the happiest man alive,” he said to Ville, and Ville knew that he wasn’t lying.

“I...I believe you Mige. I mean it. I love you. I`m so sorry, and I`m so sick of doubting everything. I trust you,” he said, kissing Mige again. Mige kissed back, moaning softly.

If only all the other relationships had been like that, then he wouldn’t have ever been hurt, but this was a new beginning, and he knew he would make the most of it, as long as Mige was beside him.