Current mood:	Rejected
Current music:	Him, Wicked Game

Candle
Title- Candle
Pairing- Jussi/Jyrki of The 69 Eyes
Rating- PG-13
Originally Posted- March 26, 2006
Disclaimer- I don`t know the real people in this story. I don`t own anything besides the idea for this story. None of this happened in real life as far as I know.
Summary- "I wish I could be a candle. They`re so beautiful and untainted," I say wistfully...


I wish that I could like candles. They`re so innocent, their flames flickering lazily in the room. They don`t cause trouble or beg for attention. No one really thinks that they`re ugly, and they make people smile. Much the opposite of me, I guess, but no, I`ll never be able to love candles. There`s too many marks on my chest from candle wax and lighters for me to be able to enjoy any sort of flame.

I sit on the bed and gaze at the small candle in our hotel room, which was lit by a hotel employee, I suppose. The room is lit by some lights as well as that lone candle. I have my legs pulled close to my chest, breathing in and out quietly, staring at the flame dancing inside of the glass candleholder. I wish I was like a candle.

I have a desire to get up and put out that candle, to stop torturing myself with the image of that flame flickering without a care in the world, but it seems to me to be a sin to put out something so innocent, something that doesn`t have its guard up.

I wait for Jyrki to come back into the room. He`s taking a shower, quite a long one actually, and he just turned the water off. Hopefully he will come back into the room shortly and blow out the candle for me so that I don`t have to. I`ll turn away or close my eyes so that I don`t have to watch him do it. I`ll try not to look at the forlorn candle, smoke rising from the once thriving flame. It`s like death. Like the exact message that I`ve been sent for so long now; innocence will never last, and when it goes, it hurts ten times worse for it than when the corrupted have to go.

I`m one of the corrupted. The dirty one that everyone wants until they get to know me. Then they realize how dirty I am and they push me away. They see all the scars up and down my arms and on my wrists and chest and even on my ankles and they make up stories about them without asking me where they`re from. They just jump to conclusions and assume that I`m like a candle. Like a candle that`s been hurt a little bit and acts out in the only way that it can.

No, I`m not like a candle. I wonder if I ever was. Maybe. I doubt it. I wish someone would find me to beautiful like a candle is. I don`t like being told that I`m hot or sexy. It scares me when people think that I`m sexy. No, I`d rather just hide behind the candles of the world, sadly watching their flames go out one by one while being ignored.

But the innocent will never accept me. I`ve been branded by the darkness. I sigh and pull off the sleeves long sleeve shirt I have on and stare at my arms, leaving my chest covered. So many marks. Some of them are new. Some of them are still sore, and still hurt when I brush my hand against them. Some were made only a few hours ago.

I examine the old marks. They sit on my pale skin like an enemy that refuses to go away. Like the part of your life that you hate but are scared to change. Like a friend that`s a little too honest.

I`m lost in my thoughts again as usual and this time I forget that Jyrki is coming back into the room to rest his tired body in the bed next to mine and to turn out all the lights and blow out the candle. He`s one of the ones that doesn`t understand. He sees my marks and screams at me, demanding that I tell him when I made them. Demanding that I tell him what the hell is wrong. Eventually he stomps off to bed and ignores me as I cry into my pillow. Or at least, he tries to ignore me. I hear him talking to the others about me when he thinks that I`m asleep. “I just don`t know what the fuck is wrong with Jussi! He has all these scars and I don`t know why he`s doing this to himself!" he says, sometimes sounding a little more upset than I`m sure he`d want me to hear. A little less angry, and a little more desperate, but secretly, it upsets me more when Jyrki`s desperate than when he`s angry.

Suddenly a sharp voice cuts through my thoughts. I look away from the candle and up at Jyrki, standing there with damp black hair, fully dressed. He looks over my arm and then looks at me, anger in his eyes. I feel so guilty, so guilty for corrupting Jyrki and dragging him down with me. I look pleadingly into his eyes, begging silently for him to forget about this and let me cover up my scars again and go back to being an under cover fuck up, pretty on the outside, worthless on the inside.

His eyes are flashing with anger. He grabs my wrist and brings it to his eyes before I have a chance to hide it.

“What the fuck Jussi? There`s new ones! When the fuck did you make these?” Jyrki snaps, his eyes cutting into my flesh and stabbing my heart as he demands an answer.

“I…I don`t…I didn`t,” I stutter, unable to answer him. I can`t tell Jyrki what really happened. It`s better this way. I appear less dirty if he thinks that I hurt myself. I appear more candle like this way. It`s better than the reality of this whole situation.

“Sure you didn`t. Answer me. Damn it Jussi, answer me. Now!” Jyrki says, his voice half way between a scream and a hiss. I feel tears come to my eyes as I look at him.

“I didn`t do it,” I whisper softly. He laughs, not believing me. I knew he wouldn`t. That`s why I said it. He didn`t notice who I snuck off with after our show tonight. Jyrki didn`t notice the look that man gave me. He didn`t notice why I wasn`t with him. That or he didn`t care. I`m the pretty painting that you only think about when it`s in front of you opposed to the photograph that`s always on your mind.

“Okay, now where else did you cut tonight?” Jyrki asks me in a threatening voice. Maybe he thinks that I`m still bleeding somewhere. I am, actually. My bandaged ankle hides a cut that I believe is still bleeding, and that`s not all that is bleeding, but I doubt Jyrki would even think to look in the other place.

I don`t answer him. I look down at the blankets in a heap at the end of my bed. Jyrki groans in frustration and I feel even worse, like I`m going to cry. But I don`t want to cry, because it`s the tears that puts out the flames of candles, and there`s something still burning in Jyrki`s eyes.

“Fine, you can play your little games, I don`t care. Strip for me. Now!” he commands. I look up at him, scared to death. What is he going to do to me? I`m scared, but I really don`t know why. It`s not like I haven`t been violated before. It`s not like I`m not bleeding now because of it.

I end up giving in to Jyrki. My arms are bare but my shoulders and chest are still covered, as is the rest of my body. I slowly pull off my shirt, then my pants and my socks until I`m naked in front of him, sitting there completely vulnerable. I`m so scared. So scared about what Jyrki will say about all these marks. I don`t want him to see how hopeless I am because if he gives up on me, I know that I`ll completely give up too.

Jyrki stares at me, his eyes staring on my wrists and going up to my now bare shoulders. He gasps and grabs my arm, jerking me closer to him none too gently.

“What the fuck is that?” he snaps, looking at a small mark on my shoulder from where someone, the same someone who made the other marks on me, injected me with something. Some drug I guess. I kind of liked it. It made the sex hurt less, but I can`t tell Jyrki that, of course, because then he`ll think that I`m dirty.

“N…nothing!” I say, my voice shaking as I look into Jyrki`s angry eyes, willing myself not to cry.

“It`s not nothing! Are you on drugs?” Jyrki hisses. I shake my head quickly, but I know that there`s no getting out of this one. Jyrki glares at me coldly and speaks to me in an icy voice.

“Fine. We`ll come back to that one.” I sigh, dreading what other stories there are to be told on and in my body. I watch Jyrki`s eyes go to my chest where there`s marks from teeth and knives as well as some ugly looking black and purple bruises. He stares at them and then looks back at me, his eyes looking more concerned than angry now.

“You…you did that to yourself?” he asks hesitently, running a hand over my chest ever so gently. I shake my head no, but now I`m scared that maybe he`ll believe me. Jyrki doesn`t make any more comments and just continues downward. I shiver as he glances at my cock. Don`t stop to stare, please don`t. It`s dirty, it`s not worth looking at.

I expect him to question me about my bandaged ankle but he doesn`t. He stares at my other ankle, the marks a bit faded, then at my legs, where there are some marks, but not many. Jyrki grabs me and pulls my legs apart and my heart jumps. I try to get away from him, but it doesn`t work. He gasps and run a finger over my opening, seeing the blood. I wince. I`m dreading the words that will come out of Jyrki`s mouth.

Jyrki looks up at me, horror in his eyes. I bite at my lip and look away, sniffling.

“Jussi, what…what happened? Did someone hurt you?” he asks gently, sounding scared. He`s scared for me, and fear is just one step away from giving up.

I don`t answer, but tears are filling my eyes, and I start to cry, unable to keep the tears in.

“Jussi please tell me! Did someone do this to you?” Jyrki asks, begging for an answer, and now I don`t even care anymore. If I tell him, he can hurry up and give up on me and I can kill myself and be done with all of this shit.

“Fine! Someone did hurt me! Someone made every mark on my skin! They cut me and hit me and made me bleed! They injected me with stuff, I don`t know what but it made it hurt less when they fucked me! I`m dirty Jyrki! I`m fucking dirty!” I sob, just sitting there on the bed completely naked, ignoring Jyrki and sobbing. All of my marks are showing, all of the filth is exposed.

To my surprise, I feel Jyrki`s weight on the bed. He takes me into his arms and holds me, rocking me gently and pressing me tightly to him, my head on his shoulder. He keeps holding me as I sob until all the tears are gone and I can cry no longer. I just rest my head on his shoulder and sniffle, letting him rub my back gently.

“That`s it dearest, relax,” Jyrki murmurs softly to me, brushing a strand of my hair out of my eyes. I blink and look up at him.

“I`m dirty Jyrki, I`ll make you dirty too,” I whisper to Jyrki. He smiles sadly and ever so gently plants a kiss on my lips. I`m surprised, shocked actually, and I just stare up at him.

“No love, you aren`t. You`re beautiful. Now let me help you. Let me clean you up and we can talk. I promise I`ll put a stop to this. I won`t let anyone hurt you ever again,” Jyrki says. I sigh and look into his eyes, then I bury my head in his chest.

“I don`t want to tell you who did this to me. Not now,” I mutter. Jyrki massages the back of my neck and kisses the top of my head, sending shivers through my body. Jyrki, oh Jyrki, no one has ever touched me like this before..

“You don`t have to. Just let me take care of you. Let me back you feel better, and from now on, no one will hurt you. Your suffering ends tonight. I`ll keep you close to me and I`ll keep a close eye on you,” Jyrki murmurs reassuringly.

Jyrki kisses my head one last time and picks me up, placing me gently back onto the bed. He smiles gently before getting up and walking into the bathroom. I hear the water running, and then he`s back with a wet washcloth. He comes over and kisses my cheek.

“Relax. I`ll clean you up,” Jyrki says. I obey him, lying down and spreading my legs apart to allow Jyrki to clean me up. At first I feel frightened and awkward, but it feels so good to feel clean for once, and when Jyrki`s done, he throws the washcloth onto the floor and lays down next to me, wrapping the blanket around us and his arms around me, pulling me close and kissing my forehead.

“There there, it`ll be okay. No one has to know about this but us, and I`ll make sure that no one hurts you again. I love you,” Jyrki says. I smile a real smile, something that I haven`t done in ages.

“I love you too,” I say as I try to find a reason Jyrki could have for loving me. I can`t find any, but it doesn`t really matter because I know that Jyrki really does love me, and that from now on I`m safe and sound.

I bury my head in Jyrki`s chest and breathe in the scent of soap and shampoo. It smells nice, but I like the musky scent Jyrki usually has better. He smiles and kisses me.

“Sleep. We`ll talk about this some more in the morning. It`s going to be ok, you`ll see. I`m sorry I didn`t stop to give you a chance to tell me what was really happening,” Jyrki says softly, sounding guilty. I sigh.

“No, it was because of your yelling that I ended up telling you. I just thought...I don`t know. Maybe I didn`t think. I just-” but Jyrki cuts me off.

“I told you, sleep. Hold on, I`ll turn out the lights and blow out the candle,” Jyrki says. My heart jumps.

“No! Jyrki, don`t blow out the candle! Please?” I beg. Jyrki looks into my eyes for a second, then nodds.

“Whatever you want darling. Doesn`t matter to me,” he says. I snuggle closer to him, smiling.

“I wish I could be like a candle. They`re so beautiful and untainted,” I say wistfully. Jyrki`s silent for a moment, as if thinking about what I said. When he speaks, he speaks slowly and carefully.

“I don`t like untainted things. It`s like a new jacket, all sniff and unwearable. I much prefer one with a few faded spots and stitches, because then you know that it`s real and that it`s gone through something. My favorites are ones with holes, for then you know that you have a chance to be the one to sew it up and the stitches will remain forever," Jyrki says.

“But still, isn`t a jacket more beautiful without stitches?” I ask. Jyrki shakes his head.

“No, it`s not. See, you receive no glory when you`re the one to break something, yet you receive all the glory when you`re the one to fix it,” Jyrki says wisely. I`m not sure I know exactly what he means, but I have a feeling that I don`t need to, that I just need to understand the general idea, and I do.

“I love you,” I mutter.

“Love you too,” Jyrki answers. I`m very sleepy, and my eyes are becoming heavy now that I`m lying next to Jyrki. I mean to tell him that he can blow out the candle and turn off the lights if he wants, because I know now that it won`t make me sad, but I`m too tired to open my mouth and try to speak. I think I`m beginning to realize that maybe I`m okay with being a little bit rough around the edges, because I know that there`s someone in my life that can smooth me out. Maybe I`ll always wish to be a candle, but hell, a candle`s flame goes out, but stitches in a broken heart can stay forever, and someday, maybe these wounds of mine won`t hurt anymore.